Tag Archives: sad

Another Lonely Night

Had a first date tonight – another perfectly fine date in a long line of perfectly fine but not quite IT dates. 

And all these perfectly fine but not IT dates just make me sad.  They make me miss HIM.  They make me yearn to be back in a relationship.

You know what truly sucks about being single?  No matter how wonderful your friends are, how much they care for you and love you and hug you, you’re still missing that one perfect hug, that one perfect kiss, that makes everything all better. 

I miss that comfort.  The comfort of his arms around me, the comfort of his presense, even when he wasn’t there.  I miss knowing I’m not alone.  Knowing that someone is thinking about me.  That someone loves me.

You can be alone but not lonely.  And you can be lonely, but not alone.  Do you know which is worse? 

I love being alone, I love me time, I love the quiet and the lack of pressure to be social.  I hate being lonely.  HATE. 

I know my friends love me, but that doesn’t make up for the lack of love I have.  I still have no one to hold me when I’m lonely.  I still have no one to kiss me, hug me, hold me, let me know they’re there.  

And even though I know he wasn’t there, I could pretend he was.  I could pretend he was thinking about me.  I could pretend he cared.  Knowing he didn’t, knowing no one does, in that capacity, hurts.  In a soul-crushing way.

I want someone to share my innermost fears and dreams with, someone I can cry to, someone who knows me.  I have that, I know do, but there’s still a big, huge, gaping distance between a friend in that capacity, and a soul mate, a lover, a lover that is also a friend.

There’s a loneliness that exists beyond the realm a friend alone can breach. 

I miss being held in the night.  I miss the companionable silence.  I miss the sense of peace.   

I miss him. 

And I hate it.

I hate that I miss him, regardless of everything else that’s happened.

Certifiable – Edited Version

I had a bit of a rough weekend. Not sure why.

A year ago I was in Tahoe for my friends wedding. My boyfriend was supposed to be with me, but he had to turn around and fly home because his uncle died. I wouldn’t find out until 6 months later that his uncle hadn’t actually died, and he actually had to fly home because his other girlfriend found out. I still don’t know what she found out – if she found out that he was in Tahoe, or that he was with me. I guess it doesn’t really matter.

A lot of things don’t really matter, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about them, or dwell on them at times.

This weekend was one of those weekends where I didn’t want to do anything. I spent a lot of time staring blankly at the walls, burning my eyes out playing solitaire, or blindly staring at the computer screen. Saturday I did get out, grocery store, used bookstore, took some stuff to Goodwill. Sunday…well, I kept trying to get myself to get up and go somewhere, but I just couldn’t do it. My mind was both numb and active at the same time, shuffling through scenes and conversations.

And…

Well, here’s the part that’s edited out.  I can’t say the rest online, lest someone call the looney bin on me.

Still having a rough time of it today, but don’t call the psych ward on me yet. I’ll be fine. I’ll get out of this funk. I’m just…

Really lonely.

The truth?

I’m not okay.  I’m not fine.  I’m having serious issues. 

I’ve been lying all too often, to my friends, about how I’m doing.  But I don’t feel like they can fully understand what I’m feeling.

It hits me the hardest in the car, when I’m on my way to work, when I’m at lunch, wehn I’m on my way home.  That’s when I have to fight back tears the most.  That’s when I hurt the most.

I’m not lying when I say I don’t want him back.  Finding out that he cheated on me for months, if not the entire time we were together, makes me not love him, makes me not want to be with him.

But I desperately want closure.  I want an apology.  I want an explanation.  I want to know that he feels bad.  If I just knew that, I think I would be better.

What made him cheat?  What made me not enough?  Why her, and not me?  Why did he lead both of us on for so long?  And why, in God’s name, would she forgive him?  She’s allowing him to get away with this, and it pisses me off. 

I don’t want to hate him.  Hating him gives him control.  I want to not even think about him.  To just be able to think, “Him?  He’s just some guy I dated.” 

It just hurts.  So incredibly bad.  To know that I loved someone who could do this to me.  To think that, if he did love me, he was still able to do this.  To think that he didn’t love me.  It all hurts. 

I want to be able to fine.  I want to be okay. 

If wishes were horses….

Blue Tuesday

I’m having a hard time today.  I’ve barely managed to keep my temper in check, and while my “happy pills” took the edge off, I’m still a tightly wound little angerball.  I’m also very sad right now, and very lonely.  There’s really no explanation, other than the fact that I’m probably PMSing. 

I’m working really hard on Just Breathing.  And pulling myself up by the bootstraps (or however the expression goes) and Just Being Happier.

Because that’s so easy to do. 

Just….

Breathe….