Tag Archives: marriage

Dreams *do* come true

Well.  What can I say.  I blog today as a completely different person than I was a year ago.  This blog has followed my dating life, and my regular life, through ups and downs and random thoughts.  It’s been my savior at times, times when I  needed to get demons out of me.  I’ve met some great blog friends on here, and, looking back through some of the worst blog posts, I don’t regret much of what I’ve written here.  But I’ve entered a new part of my life, and with these changes, I’m blogging less here and more elsewhere.

A year ago, I was single, finally getting over a horrible relationship and breach of trust, wondering if I would ever meet someone special, if I would ever be able to trust again.  A year ago I was unemployed, wondering if I would find a job, if I would ever get to do all the things I wanted to do but didn’t have the money to.  2010 was a very rough year for me, and I was glad that it was over, and hoping for a better year in 2011.

Then I met someone.  Someone special.  And I found that I was still capable of trust.  And I loved, and I was loved, and I was respected and cherished.  Nine months after meeting this man, I married him, and I still sometimes can’t believe how lucky I am to have him in my life.  He’s amazing, funny, caring, strong, loving, supportive, trustworthy, smart, chivalrous.  Everything you could possibly want in a man.  They do still exist.

Two months after getting married, my husband and I made a huge move, to Finland.  We’ve been here two weeks now, and it’s great.  A little cold, but not as cold as you might expect.  I am here on his work permit, which means I don’t have my own, so I can’t work.  My job, my husband tells me, is to write.

Imagine that.  My lifelong dream to not have to work and being able to write full time has come true.

Another lifelong dream – to travel.  And living in Europe, we intend to do exactly that.  France, Italy, Estonia, Sweden, St Petersburg, Prague, Krakow, London, Germany – they’re all on the agenda in the next two years.

To sum up:  I met my Prince Charming and am living my Happily Ever After.  It does happen.

I don’t know how often I’ll post on this blog now, but you never know when I might pop up.

Oh, and I met my Prince online, at OKCupid.  So, sometimes, online dating does work.

Well, I guess that’s one way to get health insurance

Married Couple
Image via Wikipedia

Within the next 90 days, I will be getting married and moving to Finland.  Me, stressed?  Why on earth would you think that?

If you’ve been reading my blog lately, you know that Beau has an opportunity to move to Finland.  We discussed it at length, and we agreed that I would move with him.  After some investigating, we determined that in order for me to move with him, we had to have lived together for two years.  Or have a child together.  Or be married.

After another lengthy discussion, we made the decision to get married.  We both agree that we would have been at that point in the near future, but circumstances have sped up the timeline.

Let me tell you, planning a wedding in 40 days is not lacking any stress.

After a week of tossing and turning and literally losing sleep (on my part), we have a venue and a date.  After another week, I’m still searching for a dress, whereas he picked out a suit in five minutes and will have it hanging in his closet in five to seven days.  Still working on the caterer, the decorations, the cake, the flowers, and, oh yeah, the invites still haven’t gone out.  My mom has been an absolute lifesaver through all this, and is doing so much coordinating for me.  I don’t know what I would do without her – I’d probably be a heap on the floor somewhere.

Of course, through all this, I’m trying to empty my condo, find space for my stuff at his house, have a yard sale to get rid of the rest of my stuff, rent my condo out, get my passport renewed, get him to clean out some of his stuff, and get all doctors appointment set up between the wedding date (when I will have health insurance for the first time in over a year) and the move to Finland date (sometime in January).  I’ve been slammed at work, and all I can think is, “Don’t these people know I have a wedding to plan?!”

Stressed?  No, why do you ask?

Seriously though, people – I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY!  I can’t believe my luck in finding this wonderful man, and I can’t wait for the day I can call him my husband.

For Love or Money

You have a life decision to make.  Which is more important, your career or your boyfriend/girlfriend?  Do you choose love or money?  Which is right?  Which is wrong?  It’s not as black and white as that.

As I discussed before, I moved halfway across the country to Colorado with my ex.  We had been dating for about 6 months.  I was young (26) and in love, and knew long distance wasn’t for me.  I had nothing really holding me back, so I moved with him.  Was it a smart move?  While I do get a bit embarrassed about my actions (“I moved 1200 miles away for a boy!”), I also know that my life would not be the same if I hadn’t done it.  It was one of those true catalyst moments, a new beginning, a whole new world.  I don’t regret it.  But I swore I would never do it again.  I leaned on him too much, since he was the only person I knew.  That clingyness, while not the only reason we broke up, was certainly a part of it.  When we broke up, within months of the move, I was alone, in a strange land, and the only person I knew was no longer a person I could lean on.  It was not a pleasant feeling.

While dating The Pilot, he mentioned several times the possibility of him getting a job flying out of Dubai.  He had even asked me if I would go with him.  I thought about it a lot, what would happen if he decided to go through with it.  Would I move with him?  While I was completely enthralled (in that scared kind of way, like being on a big rollercoaster) with the possibility of living there, I knew I wouldn’t do it without a ring on my finger.  Dubai actually forbids couples living together who are not married, so that was a handy excuse when The Pilot and I discussed it.  I wasn’t demanding marriage, the country was, if he wanted me to go with him.

Somehow I’ve ended up in a similar situation.  New Beau spent 6 months in Europe last year for his job, and loved every minute of it.  He had told me there was a possibility of him going to the UK for a similar position, so when I got a text from him the other day wanting to talk about something important, I figured (hoped) that’s what it was (as opposed to a “We need to talk” talk).

Beau did get a job opportunity overseas, potentially leaving by the end of the year.  But it wasn’t to the UK, it was to Finland.  And it wasn’t a six month contract.

It will be for two to three years.

We both realize that this is a terribly long time to be apart.  And the timing is simply awful.  We’ve been seeing each other for three months.  That’s not all that long.  Certainly not long enough for him to be basing a major life decision on me.

Just to be clear – this is a HUGE deal for him, career-wise.  Huge.  I can’t even tell you how astronomically huge it is for him.  This position will basically allow him to write his own ticket for the rest of his career.  It’s a big deal.  I get it.  I understand how much he wants it.

And he’s hesitating.  Because of me.  Not a position I’m comfortable with.

There are other drawbacks he has to consider, of course.  Selling the house, his car.  Essentially giving up his dogs.  The fact that he’ll be living on the arctic circle, with long, cold-ass winters with no sun.  He doesn’t speak the language, and there’s not a whole lot of opportunity to learn.

But the pros outweigh the cons, in my opinion.  He wants it, too, I know he does.  The only reason he’s really considering saying no is me.  He would get past those other things.  I’m what’s holding him back.  And I’m not comfortable in that position.  Mostly because I don’t want him to regret his decision and blame me.

  • Scenario 1:  He takes the job.  We’re three months in now, we would have six more months together, then be apart for 2-3 years.  I don’t know about him, but I would be heartbroken.  Completely.  Like, I’m going to cry just thinking about it.  I will spend the next six months thinking about how much it’s going to hurt when he leaves.  And, let’s be frank – chances are, his leaving will be the end of the relationship.  We are not in our twenties.  I’m 35, he’s 38.  Two (maybe three) years is a long time at this age to be holding onto a relationship in its infancy.
  • Scenario 2:  He takes the job.  We break up now, just so we don’t get further attached.  I feel like this is a complete cop out, but a little hurt now is better than a lot of hurt later.  At least, some would argue that.  And, honestly, knowing how much it will hurt later…yeah, I’m one of those.  It’s cowardly, and I would hate myself for it, but I see the benefits.
  • Scenario 3:  He doesn’t take the job.  We break up in four months, and he spends the rest of his life cursing himself (and me) for not taking this opportunity.
  • Scenario 4:  He doesn’t take the job, and he and I live happily ever after here in the States.

Scenario 3 is the scariest for me.  Not that I foresee us breaking up, not that I want us to break up, just because that’s really the worst case, in my opinion.

As I told him, I can’t make the decision for him.  I’m not going to ask him to stay.  I’m not going to tell him to go.  I want him to stay, because I know his leaving will be the end of us.  I want him to go because I know this is a huge deal for him.  And I can’t say at this point which I want more.  And because of that, I will do what I always do, which is give.  If I had to choose, I would tell him to go.

As a friend mentioned, there is another option:  I move, too.

But I’m still very adamant about my “not without a ring” viewpoint.  Even more so, considering it’s a foreign country.  And, let’s face it, what are the odds of us getting to the marriage point in the next six months?  Not great.  Doesn’t mean it can’t or won’t happen.  Just means it’s not probable.  And none of this means I want to marry him at this point, or that he wants to marry me.  It’s simply too early to be thinking about it.

This is one of his catalyst moments.  Will he choose his career or his love life?

Love and Marriage

On the radio today, this guy called in and had a problem he wanted advice on. Seems he’s been dating his girlfriend for three years, and one year for Christmas they spent it with her family, and one year they spent it with his family. She told him a few weeks ago that she had made plans to spend Christmas with her family, and he could go ahead and make his own plans. Then, more recently, she said that, because of the economy, she thinks they should not buy each other gifts this year. They both have jobs, and have enough money that they can afford a little something, at the very least. He thinks she’s going to break up with him after the holidays, and he’s wondering if he should preemptively break up with her before then.

This blog post is NOT about this guys issues. Yes, she probably does want to break up with him, she’s doing it in a crappy way, but preemptively breaking up with her, just so you don’t get broken up with, is stupid. Sit down with her, talk about it.

HERE is what this post is about. The radio jockey asked if maybe she told him not to buy a gift because she’s worried he’s going to give her an engagement ring, and maybe she’s not ready for that and this is her way of telling him. When asked, “Do you think she might think you’re going to propose, have you guys talked about that?” he answered with a very emphatic “NO. NOOOO. No I’m not ready for that.”

One guy ended up calling in and saying, essentially, “Hey, dumbass, yes she’s breaking up with you, because it’s been three years and you haven’t even talked about getting married. If you haven’t proposed after three years, you deserve to be dumped.”

I’m always fascinated with the timing of a marriage proposal. Some people only date for six months. Some date for ten years. Who’s to say what the right timing is? No one, I think. Although, I will say that personally, I could never see myself accepting a proposal after six months, and I could never see myself waiting for ten years. But I think by three years, it should be discussed.

I had friends a long time ago who had been dating (and living together) for (I think) five years. She wanted to get married. He “wasn’t ready.” She kept saying she was going to give him until X date and then she was through. At the time (at the tender age of 22) I asked her how, if she loved him, she could just cut and run, simply because he wasn’t ready to propose. She looked at me and said, “Just wait until you’re older, you’ll understand.”

And I do kind of get it. I go back and forth on the whole thing. If I was with a guy for five years, would I give him an ultimatum? I mean, if he isn’t ready in five years, when will he be ready? But if I love him, shouldn’t I want to be with him, regardless?

Then there are the couples who never get married. What is marriage, but a piece of paper and a ring? Again, I go back and forth on this one, too. Because I agree with that argument – if I love you and you love me, why do we need to stand in front of a preacher and sign a piece of paper? Does that make us love each other more? But, alternately, if it’s never legal, it’s a lot easier to get out with no obligation. I think making it legal makes it harder to split up – you actually have to work through things, instead of just throwing in the towel.

What do you think? Is there an “appropriate length of time” to be dating before getting engaged? And is marriage necessary?

Facebook – Good vs. Evil

Is social networking bad for a relationship?  I’ve read a couple of articles about it, and I can certainly see the “YES” side of the argument.  But I also think it’s just an excuse.  I think if the relationship is shaky to begin with, then social networking just exacerbates the problem. 

I read one story about a guy who wondered why he should be friends with his wife – “I see her at home and we talk about our day every day, so why would I have her as a friend on Facebook?”  My question is, why wouldn’t you? 

Because, no matter how much I may trust my husband, I would have to wonder what it is he doesn’t want me to see.

That’s the bottom line, as far as I see it.  Either you have something to hide, or you don’t.  If you don’t have something to hide, then you don’t care.  If you do have something to hide…well…

It doesn’t begin or end with romantic relationships.  What if someone sends you a friend request, but you don’t want to be friends with them?  And, I’m learning, people have a different idea of friending “strategies.”  Some will approve anyone who requests to be a friend.  Some will only approve actual “friends” and struggle with approving acquaintances (or friends of friends).  Some only approve really close friends.  Which is right?  They all are.  It’s a very personal decision.

But when you’re the one that’s not approved for a friend request, or you’re the one who only sees filtered content, or you’re the one that has been unfriended by someone, regardless of how friendly you actually are with the person, it still stings. 

Back to the husband I mentioned above that’s not friends with his wife.  I kind of get that, even if I don’t agree with it (exactly for the reason I mentioned).  But I also think that social networking is more about connecting with people you don’t normally talk to in the course of a week, month, year, decade.  You stay up to date on their lives, without having to make the effort to email or call, without clogging up email with huge picture files of the kids in the pumpkin patch.  You catch up with old high school and college friends, without having to go to the over-priced reunion across the country.  The people I really care about, I already know about their lives.  I don’t need Facebook for that.

As for my romantic relationship, since The Pilot is away so often, our Facebook connection makes me feel closer to him when he’s far away.  All I have to do is log on, and I can see pictures of him and enjoy his smile.  I can enjoy his sense of humor in his wall posts.  I can get a sense of his day, wherever he is.  And, on the lucky times when we are both online at the same time, I can IM him and we can talk. 

And, honestly, today that thought is the only thing keeping me from closing out my facebook account.  Because I’m kind of not feeling Facebook lately.

Who needs to know?

Elizabeth Edwards is being criticized for not telling anyone about her husband’s affair, for standing by him and choosing to stay in their 30 year marriage.

Am I the only one going, “…What?!”

Regardless of how you feel about what John Edwards did, this is still, at the root, a private matter.  He violated hertrust, much more than he violated anyone else’s.  If this were the CEO of Widgets, Inc and his wife, no one would give a shit.  The employees wouldn’t wonder if they could trust him, the stockholders wouldn’t sell off their shares because they don’t trust him.  His wife, and his wife alone, would be the only one able to forgive him his misdeed.  The only person’s trust he violated was hers, the only contract he violated was the one he had with her.

Yes, you can argue that Edwards violated The People’s trust in him as a representative of them and as a leader.  But that is something he did, not something she did.  Did she violate The People’s trust?  Absolutely not.  You can argue that he (and she) hid it from the public in order to avoid losing all political aspirations.  But consider yourself.  If your husband confided that he had an affair, and you discussed it and decided to forgive him, who would you tell?  Maybe your kids, if they were of an age that they could be told.  Maybe a few close friends, to discuss it.  A therapist, certainly.  But would you tell your husbands boss?  Or the people he manages?  Do you tell strangers on the street?  Do you take out an ad on a bulletin board to make sure the whole world knows?

To Pop or Not To Pop

I have a friend who has been with his girlfriend for three years.  He’s been talking about breaking up with her for the last year and a half.  He went on this huge rant the other day, about how he hates this about her and hates that about her, this annoys him, that aggravates him, etc.  “But she’s a great person, really.”  I understand that.  People can be great people, but things they do can upset you.  That’s part of a relationship.  That’s part of the human condition.  Then he says, “I’ve promised myself that I’m either going to end it or propose by the end of the summer.”

Do you think that’s the basis of a lasting relationship?  If your options are end it or get married, I’m thinking the former option is the one you should choose.  I think that if marriage is up as a choice, it should be the only choice.  Am I wrong?

Arranged?

In some cultures, an arranged marriage has more to do with connections or money than what is actually best for the two people getting married.  But here, in The Land of the Free, why not consider having your friends and family pick a husband or wife for you?  Who knows you better, who cares about you and your happiness more?  Probably even more than you do, sometimes.

I vaguely remember this story from 10 years ago.  A man had set his wedding date, but didn’t have a bride.  He and his friends did a commercial and a website, the press picked up the story, and he received 300 applications to be his wife.  The number was whittled down, women were interviewed by his family and friends, and voila – he had himself a bride.  Ten years and three kids later, they’re still together.

I don’t know if I would go so far as a marriage, but certainly I can see dating someone my friends and family picked out.  New reality show:  think The Bachelorette, but her family and friends get to pick the top 15 or so candidates, and then she whittles it down.  Actually, I wonder if it’s possible to do this myself.  Seriously, it would save me from the mind-numbing torture of having to weed through the crap that is dating.  Is there a dating website somewhere, like Match, specifically designed for family and friends to find dates for their loved ones? This is genius!  Anyone want to help me design a website?