Tag Archives: hurt

…and I just threw away a perfectly good cucumber

My eyes are swollen nearly shut.  I used to have some cold ice packs to put on my eyes, but they dried up (because, thankfully, I didn’t have to use them) and I haven’t replaced them.  Even though I’ve needed them several times over the last few months.  Including tonight, which took my by surprise.

The shower is a great place to cry.  You can’t really tell you’re crying, because your face is all wet anyways, and you don’t have to worry about snot getting everywhere.  That’s one of the reasons I keep my shower clean – in case I have to have a good cry.

I started the night fine.  Met a few friends for drinks.  I had three beers, so this break down really wasn’t alcohol related, although I’m sure it provided a pair of crutches. 

And then.

And then my friend, who I love and hate in equal measures, said something that ripped all the nicely healed scabs off my wounds.  I don’t even remember what he said.  But, basically, he said something about playing the field, even though he’s been in a relationship for well over a year now.

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“You People.”  I’ve always hated that phrase, because in my mind, it’s usually said by some small-minded asshole who lumps a larger group of people into some pigeon-hole in his mind, based on race or gender or hair color or creed. 

 “You people.”

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You people.

You people who go through life hurting others, who think only of yourself and your own gratification and your own happiness. 

You people who don’t have one ounce of concern for other people’s feelings. 

You people who don’t give a rat’s ass about what happens to “the other guy” when you screw him or her.

You people who take and take and take and take.  Take people’s self-worth, and respect, and trust, and love, and piss on it. 

You people.

Do you even consider the pain you cause?

Do you think about how unloved you make these people feel?

How unlovable you make them feel?

How worthless you make them feel?

How much pain you cause?

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Sliced cucumbers placed over the eyes help with the swelling.  I had a cucumber, but I threw it out.  Just yesterday, as a matter of fact.

If I had only known…

The truth?

I’m not okay.  I’m not fine.  I’m having serious issues. 

I’ve been lying all too often, to my friends, about how I’m doing.  But I don’t feel like they can fully understand what I’m feeling.

It hits me the hardest in the car, when I’m on my way to work, when I’m at lunch, wehn I’m on my way home.  That’s when I have to fight back tears the most.  That’s when I hurt the most.

I’m not lying when I say I don’t want him back.  Finding out that he cheated on me for months, if not the entire time we were together, makes me not love him, makes me not want to be with him.

But I desperately want closure.  I want an apology.  I want an explanation.  I want to know that he feels bad.  If I just knew that, I think I would be better.

What made him cheat?  What made me not enough?  Why her, and not me?  Why did he lead both of us on for so long?  And why, in God’s name, would she forgive him?  She’s allowing him to get away with this, and it pisses me off. 

I don’t want to hate him.  Hating him gives him control.  I want to not even think about him.  To just be able to think, “Him?  He’s just some guy I dated.” 

It just hurts.  So incredibly bad.  To know that I loved someone who could do this to me.  To think that, if he did love me, he was still able to do this.  To think that he didn’t love me.  It all hurts. 

I want to be able to fine.  I want to be okay. 

If wishes were horses….

Epilogue (AKA Part 4)

This is the fourth (and,I hope, final) thing I will write about this.  Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 to get the whole story.

Were there warning signs with The Pilot? Sure. But it’s not like I ignored them. I confronted him directly any time I thought something seemed odd. And he lied, every time. I think of other things he said, things he did, while we were together, and I now see every last thing as a lie, whether it was or wasn’t.

  • When he said he loved me, he lied.
  • When he kissed me, he lied.
  • When he said he was sitting in a crash pad in Philly, on call, he lied.
  • When he said he was going to visit his parents, he lied.
  • When I woke with a headache and got up so as not to disturb him, and he followed me into the living room and sat with me on the couch, saying he couldn’t sleep without me, he lied.
  • When he buried his nose in my hair and (I thought) unconsciously inhaled my scent, he lied.
  • When he held and kissed my hand, he lied.
  • When he snuggled up next to me at night and told me how much he loved my bed, how much he missed it when he was gone, missed me when he was gone, he lied.

The thing I’m constantly wondering about is, does he feel any guilt about what he’s done to me, to her? Did he feel any guilt when he was actually in a relationship with both of us? And I keep coming up with the same answer – NO. And that really freaks me out, because that would make him a psychopath.

Think I’m being a bit extreme? Consider the description in Wikipedia: 

The prototypical psychopath has deficits or deviances in several areas: interpersonal relationships, emotion, and self-control. Psychopaths gain satisfaction through antisocial behavior, and do not experience shame, guilt, or remorse for their actions. Psychopaths lack a sense of guilt or remorse for any harm they may have caused others, instead rationalizing the behavior, blaming someone else, or denying it outright…. All of this belies their tendency to make a good, likable first impression. Psychopaths have a superficial charm about them, enabled by a willingness to say anything without concern for accuracy or truth…. Psychopaths also have a markedly distorted sense of the potential consequences of their actions, not only for others, but also for themselves. They do not, for example, deeply recognize the risk of being caught, disbelieved or injured as a result of their behaviour.

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The Anger

I’m really having to fight the urge to be petty. You know how they say never to break up with a songwriter, because they will have the last word? Well, the same could be said for a blogger. I’ve already researched the defamation and libel laws. ( “To prove libel, which is the same thing as written defamation, the plaintiff has to prove that the blogger published a false statement of fact …” – IOW, if it’s true, I can’t be sued for libel or defamation.) I’ve thought about posting his full name, DOB, what company he flies for, etc, so that anyone in the future who searches his name (future girlfriends, maybe?) will know. I’d love to let his mother know what kind of son she raised, let his sister know what kind of man he is, let his aunt know that her husband isn’t the only one in the family to cheat. I’m afraid that one day, I won’t be able to stop myself from doing those things.

I am so freaking mad at him, at what he’s done. I’m pissed that he lied. I’m pissed that I was fooled by him. I’m pissed that I’ve wasted a year and a half of my life loving a man that doesn’t exist. I’m pissed that his friends must think he’s such a stud, a girl in each city, and were high-fiving him behind my back the whole time. I’m pissed that I had unprotected sex with him, almost from the beginning, because I thought we were in a monogamous relationship, I’m pissed that he risked my health in that way.

And, yeah, I’m mad at myself, too. I’m mad that I believed him. That I didn’t sometimes push harder. I’m mad that I’m an easy-going person, that I respected him enough to allow his excuse of “I’m a private person” to dissuade me from posting more stuff online, on Facebook, where he could be found out sooner.

It makes me so mad, because things were coming to a head, anyway. I was determined to have a serious conversation about the state of our relationship, but I wanted to get through the holidays first.

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I agree with It Never Rains In Seattle, that he probably cut and ran when he found out that the other woman had emailed me. I think she probably confronted him, and he probably lied to her and said I was just a friend, maybe a friend who had “imagined” a relationship with him, and then he cut me out completely, maybe at her request. It kills me that he essentially snuck into my house while I wasn’t there to drop off my house key, and didn’t bother to even leave a note. Not even a simple post it note with “I’m sorry” on it, so at least I wouldn’t wonder and worry like I did. Heck, even Berger left Carrie a post it note.  (And, as a side note, I like what I found on this website:  “Break up in person! This cannot be stressed enough… have the courtesy to say goodbye face to face…. Use integrity and be honest as to why you are leaving…. Both parties will have some closure….”)

I’m big on closure. If I don’t have closure, I will continue thinking about it, breaking it apart, studying it, trying to figure it out. It’s killing me that I don’t have closure. I want to know why he decided to have a relationship with two women. Was he not satisfied with one, and if so, which one? Did we offer different things? Did he honestly fall in love with both of us and wasn’t able to decide which one to keep? Or was it simply an ego trip, to see if he could get away with it?

I still wish I could talk to The Pilot one last time. I would love an apology, an explanation. I know that’s wishful thinking, but what can I say, I’m an optimist at heart. I simply can’t understand how you can carry on two relationships, the way he did. How you can love someone, and do this to them. And I’m not just talking about me – I’m talking about her, too. If he loved her, how could he do this? If he loved me, how could he do this? It’s simply beyond my capacity of understanding.

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The Hurt

Ever been picked last for the baseball team?

This is why the women on The Bachelor cry, even when they are eliminated on the first episode. It makes you feel like you’re not good enough.

Is she prettier than me? Smarter than me? Thinner? Funnier? Nicer? A better person?

I know this is stupid, and that I am an amazing, beautiful, intelligent woman. But that doesn’t stop the questions. Why did he pick her over me? Was it because he was dating her before me? Was it because he loved her more?

I’ve been telling myself that it’s because he knew, if he picked me and I found out, he wouldn’t have me anyway, but he still had a chance at keeping her. Because once I found out it would have been over. I’ve always wondered if I would stay with a man who cheated on me, but in the scenario I’ve always imagined, it’s a one-time thing. This was so much worse.

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The man I was in love with didn’t exist. I had an imaginary boyfriend.

Honestly, I hate to say it, but it would be easier to handle if he had died. And, actually, it would really be almost accurate to say he had committed suicide. He, the him I knew, ceased to exist.

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The Worry

I don’t believe trust should be earned, I believe it should be given. I don’t think you can have a good relationship without trust already being a part of it. I still believe that, but I’m going to have a hard time operating that way in the future. How can I ever believe anything any future man I date says to me? I really worry about this. I’m going to constantly be questioning what he says, my own instincts, wondering if he’s lying to me.

I don’t lie. Of course that’s not true – I say “I’m fine” when asked how I am, because nobody really wants the truth. But I don’t really lie. I think that, because I don’t, I don’t know how to recognize lying in others.

Will I ever be able to trust again? To not wonder if someone is telling the truth when they have a “business dinner” or “have to stay late at the office.” Or the lovely, “She’s just a friend.” I’m terrified that this will ruin any future relationship I have. That me not trusting the man I am with will drive him away.

How do you learn to trust again?

Let’s NOT be friends

I’ve been friends with this person for several years.  I adore this person, we get along great, we can always talk to each other honestly and constructively.  I cannot imagine us not being friends.  But lately, the friendship has been hurting me.  Not because of anything my friend has done, but because of my own expectations.  It’s my own fault, and I know it.  So I think it would be best for me if we simply were no longer friends.

Here’s my dilemma:  I don’t know if that would be the right course of action.  And I don’t know how to go about doing it.  My friend is going through a rough patch personally right now, so I would feel extremely guilty sitting down and having the “let’s not be friends” talk.  So maybe I should just ignore phone calls and emails?  I hate that, seems so passive to me, doesn’t actually let the person know that something is wrong. 

Anyone want to weigh in here, help a girl out?  How do you know it’s time to stop being friends with someone?  And how do you “break up”?