Tag Archives: Humor

You’re breaking me (and my scale)

I’m dating someone new.  Two months in, and it’s still that wonderful, fun, “I have a boyfriend!” mindset.  Everything is new, and you want to do stuff with this new person. You go out more than you did before.

Which means you spend more, eat more, exercise less, and have less time to do the necessary mundane things, like pay bills.

For me, especially now that I’m working again, I find I have absolutely no time to do things.  My kitchen and bathroom are a mess, I am running out of clean underwear because I can’t find time to do laundry, and I’m in danger of being late with my mortgage payment, because I haven’t had time to log online and pay it.  I also haven’t had time to blog, workout, or watch the Royal Wedding.

My new boyfriend has recently complained about putting on a few pounds, a combination of eating out more and having less time to exercise.  I’ve always encouraged him to get his workout in, but he recently asked me to help him eat less.  I told him that I’m naturally a nurturer, much like the mother in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  “Here, have the rest of mine, can I get you another cupcake, here just finish this off so there’s no leftovers.”  I’m doing my best to stop trying to feed him, though.

Another issue, which we’ve briefly touched on but not really discussed, is money.  Obviously, if you’re going out 2-3 nights a week, eating and drinking, the cost for two people (which he naturally is going to pick up most of the time) can get to be a little much.

All this is to say, dating can lead to financial loss, weight gain, and a drastic reduction of free time.

But sometimes it’s worth it.  🙂

(Note – I wrote this post longhand a week ago, but haven’t had the time to log in and post it!  I am safe from foreclosure, have done laundry, but still haven’t seen more than a glimpse of the Royal Wedding.)

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Gotta Love 80s TV

Did we actually think the acting in these shows was good at the time?  I mean, seriously.

Last night I happened to catch an episode of The A-Team, c.1983.  This one happened to be about a hijacked plane…kind of funny, considering…

You can watch the full episode on hulu.  I beg of you, with my entire being, please watch the first five minutes. For even more fun, wait until they shoot out an airplane window, and they have to land the plane:

 

ALLAN! ALLAN! ALLAN! ALLAN! AL! ALLAN!

My friend sent around a compilation of BBC Walk on the Wild Side videos, which feature animals in the wild “talking.”  I couldn’t find the compilation on youtube, but here are some videos from the show, all funny!

Night time…..DAYTIME!

Move! Move! Move!  Move! MoveMoveMoveMoveMoveMove…

Do that thing where you fart through your head.

Enjoy!

I love Simon’s Cat!

Mrowr.

On a lighter note- TSA Humor

Stay Sweet TSA

Image by Blacknell via Flickr

Press Release:

WASHINGTON, DC-  Recent data has shown that women often neglect to do a monthly self breast exam, as recommended by their doctors.  In an effort to facilitate breast health, the TSA has begun training security personnel to check for lumps during their pre-flight pat down inspections of female passengers.  This will ensure more women are checked on a regular basis, as early detection is key.  Because breast cancer can strike males as well, men who are concerned about their breast health can also request the breast exam, as well as a testicular cancer screening, for a nominal fee.  Simply tell the TSA Agent during your pat down that you want to “opt in.”

It’s a joke, people.

For more press release fun: 

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to address “the number-one threat to airline security,” the Federal Aviation Administration announced Monday that it will consider banning passengers on all domestic and international commercial flights…  (Grr – linking not working right at the moment – here’s the article:  http://www.theonion.com/articles/faa-considering-passenger-ban,44/

Job Search Funnies

We're now hiring!

Image by Zach Klein via Flickr

  • Company:  www.meetup.com
  • Position:  “Product Manager, Secret Projects to Imperialize the Internet with Earnest Intent to Spawn Mass Local Community Organizing”
  • The funny:  ….isn’t it obvious?

 

  • Company:  SGL Carbon
  • Position:  Legal Assistant
  • The funny:  The job description indicates that “The employee is regularly required to…use hands to finger, handle, or feel.” What, exactly, would a legal assistant be required to “finger, handle, or feel?”

 

  • From Craigslist:  “Recently I decided to purchase a small electrolysis machine for home use. The down side is that I can’t reach/see places like underarms. So…I’m wondering if there is anyone out there who would be interested in swapping electrolysis sessions with me.”
  • Makes me wonder where else she can’t reach/see…and wants someone else to help with…

 

  • Another from Craigslist:  “Seeking a female to read books out loud and provide massages.  (No not at the same time.)”

 

  • And, from Craigslist:  Position:  Travel Agent.  “I will be conducting interviews on Friday at the Denny’s in Concord.”

A Lunch Buffet, with Melons

A silhouette of Stripper on a Pole

Image via Wikipedia

 

I met a friend for lunch today.  At a strip club.

I’ve never been to a strip club, despite my curiosity.  I’ve voiced my curiosity and desire to go to a strip club to many of my exes – you would think one of them would have taken me up on it. 

I get the appeal of strip clubs, I do.  What I don’t get is the “tip bar” area (I had to look that up). 

Here’s the scene – you’re at lunch, with business associates, enjoying a (admittedly quite good) lunch buffet.  A woman comes on stage, dressed, and dances for one song, then a second song starts, and off comes her top.  You stand up, walk over to the stage, and the woman shakes either her butt or her breasts in your face. 

In  my opinion, you have just lowered your coleagues’ opinion of you.  You are now, for lack of a better word, a perv. 

I don’t know, maybe it’s different for guys – maybe they don’t see other men that way.

I get it if someone buys you a lap dance.  I get it if you’re out on a Friday night, having a good time, drinking.  I don’t get the business lunch scenario.

How about a funny story?

A commercial came on for the male version of the Shake Weight for Men.  My friend said he hated that commercial, he thought it was stupid.  I snickered, then was distracted by a man, standing at the tip bar, getting his face buried in cleavage.  Several moments passed, and the following conversation took place:

  • Him:  “How hard up are those guys to do that?”
  • Me:  “Pretty much what I was thinking.”
  • Him:  “What do they have to say to those guys, pay them, to get them to do it?”
  • Me:  “Yeah, I really don’t get that at all.”
  • Him:  “I wouldn’t want to be the guy up there looking like he’s jacking off.”
  • Me:  (laughs)
  • Him:  “You couldn’t pay me to touch that.”
  • Me:  “Well, that’s kind of harsh, don’t you think?”
  • Him:  “Huh?”

The whole time, I thought he was talking about the guy at the tip bar with the stripper.  He was talking about the Shake Weight commercial.

HeeHee!!

What do God, The Robot, and Lindsay Lohan have in common?

Was digging through some emails the other day at work and found this lovely chain between me and a couple of friends. These people seriously keep me sane some days.

(Names changed to genderless names to protect the (not so) innocent. I don’t think there’s anything in this to give anyone away, but if you are Nic, Chris, Taylor, or Terry and don’t want this posted publicly, just email me – I’ll take it down!)

Chris: Saw this church sign on the way to work “He who answers you Controls you.” WTF??

Nic: He who answers you controls you. That is…I’m not sure what that is. So if I answer my boss, does that mean I control her? Ha – that’s humorous.

Chris: My first thought: “So they’re finally admitting that the invention of religion and God is just to control the masses!” Probably not what they had in mind with that…

Taylor: Since I’m answering this e-mail, does that now mean I Control you? I’m concentrating on you doing the robot right now. Let me know if it worked.

Chris: I just got the strangest urge to pop & lock.

Terry: What constitutes an answer? A burning bush?

Chris: What does Lindsay Lohan have to do with any of this?

Terry: NICE! It doesn’t have anything to do with Amy Winehouse either for that matter.

Chris: Hee hee. I’m trying so hard not to giggle that my eyes are watering.

I wish he HAD been imaginary

My friend had bought me something for Christmas, but then at the last minute put it away. Probably a good thing she did, as it would not have gone over well at the time. She found it recently and gave it to me last weekend, hoping I would get a good laugh out of it, now, now that things are behind me. And she was right – I laughed. It really is funny:

Of course, there’s an entire back story behind this bumper sticker. Some…stuff…went down last September, with someone I considered a friend. It involved The Pilot. I wrote up a whole blog post, and passed it by The Pilot. Since it heavily involved him, I wanted to get his thoughts, and his okay to post it. He asked me not to post it, he just wanted to forget about it and move on. I accepted that, and posted it privately, with this note: “The Pilot is not happy with my posting this post, so I won’t post it…publicly.”

Of course, things have changed. I know now that The Pilot didn’t want me to blog about it because it was true. Because then his lies would sit there, online, for the world to see.

I’m reposting the blog post, publicly, and I’m sure everyone will get a good laugh out of some of the things I said. This post is unedited, and shows just how f&$#ing stupid I was. Re-reading it for the first time since everything went down, I simply can’t believe how trusting I was. You can view the post here.

Anyway, the big joke at the time, with the very few people who knew about this story, was that I had made The Pilot up, that he was my “imaginary boyfriend.” Oh, how I wish that were true. Would have saved me a lot of heartache (and embarrassment) in the end.

Do I LOOK like a gynecologist?

You know those completely innocent comments that end up sounding not-so-innocent?

I was with some friends the other night, and I had a question.

“I’m going to ask this question, and I know it’s going to sound odd, but there’s a reason behind it.”

Everyone paused and looked at me, eyes wide, already half-laughing in apprehension.

“Do you have a speculum-like tool I can use?”

Silence. Then, “I’ll ask. What would you need something like that for?”

“Well, I need to…” Then I thought about the words that were about to come out of my mouth, and how they would make the prior request sound even worse, and I doubled over in laughter. “I need…” Laughter. “I need…” Laughter. “I need…” Laughter.

Finally, after several minutes, I was able to compose myself just slightly. “I need to get a ball inside a rubber hose.”

See, here’s the full story. I bought a Pilates bar, which has stretchy rubber hose-like bands to create tension. Well, me being as short as I am, the bands are too long for me, so I thought I’d cut some of the length off. The bands have balls in the ends of them to stop them from coming off the bar. It seems simple enough to me to simply remove the balls from the bands (which I’ve already done), cut some length off (done), then reinsert the balls. Except, I can’t get the balls back in. So I’m trying to somehow “MacGyver” it.

I have to get the ball into this rubber hose, which requires stretching the hose wide enough to get the ball in, and getting the ball deep enough so it won’t slide back out. (And, WOW, that sounds bad.) Someone came up with the idea of greasing the ball and the hose (lubing it, if you will – might as well go all out), but my thought is, won’t it then just slip out?

Anyone have any thoughts? (Or a speculum-like tool?)

Pilates Bar

This ball needs go inside this rubber hose

So it looks like this