Just another day in loveless land

You know what’s odd?  This is the first Valentine’s Day in…a very long time…that I don’t feel like I’m missing out.  That I don’t feel like drinking a bottle of wine and eating a whole box of chocolates all by myself.  Today I am quite content.  Although I’ve told myself almost every year that it’s just another day, this year it actually is.  It’s just another day.

I haven’t always been alone on Valentine’s Day, but I don’t really recall having any truly special ones with someone.  I know that most years when I’ve been alone, I’ve planned activities for myself, including a movie, a bubble bath, champagne, a nice dinner, all by myself, in an effort to make myself feel like I’m not missing out.  Of course, those things didn’t really do their job – I was still alone, and I knew it.

Maybe it’s because this year, I haven’t left the house much or been around people.  There’s not 20 coworkers asking what I will be doing, feeling sorry for me because I’ll be alone, and getting ridiculously overpriced bouquets of incredibly original red roses delivered.  Tivo is the best invention ever, because I fast forward through most commercials, so that my Kay/Jared/FTD/CBS Cares Valentine’s Day reminders are kept to a minimum.  The constant bombardment of Valentine’s Day reminders has been at a minimum.  And I kind of love it.

I started thinking about my Ghosts of Valentine’s Days Past.  I’ve written about a few here before, but I thought it’d be fun to make a list.

  • 2010 – Mental Breakdown.
  • 2009 – I was more than likely alone, as The Pilot was more than likely working.  I remember getting a Valentine’s Day card about a week later…he had it in a book, but hadn’t filled it out yet, so I sat next to him while he wrote some nice words in it, put it in the envelope, and sealed it.
  • 2008 – I was dating Scottsdale, and he took me to a nice steak restaurant in town, but didn’t really treat it as Valentine’s Day, just as dinner out, which was fine by me, since we weren’t quite dating seriously at that point.  He also mailed me a card, which I thought was kind of cute.
  • 2007 – Pretty sure I was alone.
  • 2006 – Pretty sure I was hating life.  Soccer Guy and I had broken up in December, and I know I wasn’t over him yet.
  • 2005 – Quite sure I was alone, as I hadn’t started my joyous adventure of online dating yet.
  • 2004 – Alone.  Bitterly alone, in Denver, after Denver Boyfriend and I broke up.  I do remember a wonderful bottle of White Star champagne, though…back when I could afford $50 bottles of champagne on a fairly regular basis.
  • 2003 – The life changing one.  I drove into Denver just in time to celebrate the evening with Denver Boyfriend.  I was starving, he hadn’t made any reservations, and after an hour of searching for a place to eat without a two hour wait, we ended up at a Mexican restaurant.  If that had been a wait, we would have ended up at McDonalds.

Everything before 2003 is a blur.  I’m sure I was alone for most Valentine’s Days pre-2003, because I simply didn’t date much.  I’m fairly certain I had a boyfriend for 1995, but other than that, I can’t say anything for sure.

Here’s the thing.  Even if I was in the perfect relationship with the perfect guy, I would not expect the moon today.  A nice dinner prepared by him (or some take-out), some wine, some candles, maybe a small bouquet of tulips or lilies, and I would be happy.  I’m a fairly simple girl.  I don’t want roses.  I don’t need grand gestures.  I don’t want the guy to fork out hundreds of dollars on gifts meant to prove his love.

I just want the love.

And until I have it, the good kind of love, I’m okay.  Even though sometimes I might not feel okay, I know, deep down, that I am.

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