“Single, Female, Mormon, Alone”

Okay, so I’m only three of the four.

This article is about a Mormon woman who ended up 35 and single (also), something not very common in the Mormon religion. Being a practicing Mormon, she did not have sex before marriage, and so ended up a 35 year old virgin. The article talks about how she felt like she was half-woman half-child, and about her “rebellion.” A very interesting, touching story.

But here’s the part that struck me:

I was just never sure what my problem was. Until one man let me know. After overhearing a friend and me comparing our weekend horror-date stories, he walked up to me and asked, “You know what your problem is?”

No, I did not know what my problem was. And I was dying to find out.

“Your problem,” he said, “is you don’t need a man.”

I thought that was a good thing — to be able to take care of oneself.

He asked if I had a job.


“A car?”


“A house?”



“Of course.”



“That’s your problem.”

“Excuse me?”

“Men in the church are raised to be providers. We are the breadwinners, the stewards of the household. If you have all the things we’re supposed to provide, we have nothing to give you.”

I’ve actually been told this by a male friend of mine. The fact that I am able to provide for myself and don’t “need” a man is exactly why I don’t have one. I don’t give the man an opportunity to provide for me, because I don’t need him to, and that’s why I’m single.

Well, duh! Of course I can take care of myself – I kind of have to! If I didn’t, who would?

It stuck with me, though. Is this really the issue? I don’t make a man feel needed? What should I do instead, call a man when I need the toilet fixed, jump on the couch and squeal when I see a mouse run across the floor? I do those things, it’s just that there’s no man around to witness it.

Most of the married women I know are extremely self-sufficient, and they don’t need a man, they are more than able to provide for themselves. So surely that’s not the issue.

Is it?

I would love to have a man around to do the things I can’t. But I also want a man around who appreciates what I can do.

2 responses to ““Single, Female, Mormon, Alone”

  1. The Mormon guy had a point… when he was talking to the Mormon women.

    [sigh.] To answer you’re question, this is not the issue. The issue is not that you don’t make a man feel needed. I know that I’m not the only person who has posted this on your blog, but it bears repeating: you have already demonstrated conclusively that there are plenty of men who like you, and who would like to be with you. If you consider yourself to be “alone” and would prefer not to be, the problem is not finding a man who likes you.

    The problem is finding a man who likes you whom you like. This leads to two obvious questions/observations:
    1) should you lower your standards? (The answer is: hell, no.)
    2) are you looking in the right places for the right kind of man? (I suspect you may not be.)

    You can handle yourself, you are smart and thoughtful, and you want a man who is cool under pressure, caring, and smart and thoughtful, in turn. In order to improve the odds of finding a man who is interested in you and in whom you might be interested, you need to go where there are lots of men who fit that description.

    If you desire men who drink, you go to a bar. If you desire men who think, where do you go?

    (Besides my house, I mean.)

  2. i would love to meet you you sound interesting