Another Lonely Night

Had a first date tonight – another perfectly fine date in a long line of perfectly fine but not quite IT dates. 

And all these perfectly fine but not IT dates just make me sad.  They make me miss HIM.  They make me yearn to be back in a relationship.

You know what truly sucks about being single?  No matter how wonderful your friends are, how much they care for you and love you and hug you, you’re still missing that one perfect hug, that one perfect kiss, that makes everything all better. 

I miss that comfort.  The comfort of his arms around me, the comfort of his presense, even when he wasn’t there.  I miss knowing I’m not alone.  Knowing that someone is thinking about me.  That someone loves me.

You can be alone but not lonely.  And you can be lonely, but not alone.  Do you know which is worse? 

I love being alone, I love me time, I love the quiet and the lack of pressure to be social.  I hate being lonely.  HATE. 

I know my friends love me, but that doesn’t make up for the lack of love I have.  I still have no one to hold me when I’m lonely.  I still have no one to kiss me, hug me, hold me, let me know they’re there.  

And even though I know he wasn’t there, I could pretend he was.  I could pretend he was thinking about me.  I could pretend he cared.  Knowing he didn’t, knowing no one does, in that capacity, hurts.  In a soul-crushing way.

I want someone to share my innermost fears and dreams with, someone I can cry to, someone who knows me.  I have that, I know do, but there’s still a big, huge, gaping distance between a friend in that capacity, and a soul mate, a lover, a lover that is also a friend.

There’s a loneliness that exists beyond the realm a friend alone can breach. 

I miss being held in the night.  I miss the companionable silence.  I miss the sense of peace.   

I miss him. 

And I hate it.

I hate that I miss him, regardless of everything else that’s happened.

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