I’m not that kind of girl

I had a first date with this guy recently, we’ll call him Magnum PI. Had a great time, enjoyed the conversation, but, like with most of the dates I’ve been on, I’m just not feeling any chemistry. We had a bottle of wine and appetizers at one place, then went to another bar and had a beer. He paid for both, which I appreciated. He asked me out on a second date.

I believe in second dates, most of the time. The first date has so much built into it already, and you never know what the second date will hold. You could end up disappointed, or half in love. Or, you could end up with a good friend. But I think you need that second date sometimes to truly feel out the possibility of a relationship.

So, even though I wasn’t feeling much chemistry on my side the first night, I did like him and enjoy his company enough to do a second date. So I asked what he had in mind.

“Well, I came up with two options. Would you feel comfortable coming to my house and letting me cook for you?”

Um…no. Not on a second date.

“Okay, then, how about Upstream? I’ve been there a couple of times, for work events and such, and I’ve been wanting to go back.”


Of course I’d love to go to Upstream. I’ve heard great things about it. But it’s not in my budget. For example, their dinner menu includes Seared Ahi Tuna ($29) and Wild Sea Bass ($39). Add a bottle of inexpensive wine onto that, and the bill comes to over $100 easy, not including tip. Granted, I already knew he was going to be paying for it, but that’s a pretty extravagant dinner for a second date. Especially, you know, since I’m not really sure that there’s going to be a third.

As the day approached, I got more and more uncomfortable with the idea that he would be paying for this meal. Some of my girlfriends were like, “He’s paying, who cares?” I was telling a male friend about my dilemma, how I wasn’t comfortable with the cost of the meal, and he said that most women wouldn’t think twice about it.

“But I’m not most women. I think we’ve established that.” I’m not that kind of girl, the kind that uses men and expects them to drop a lot of money on her.

I called him the night before, and he had already made reservations. “I’m really looking forward to this, I haven’t had a nice dinner out in a while, and I’ve only been there when someone else is picking up the tab.”

Well, I couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity. “Yeah, about that. I have to be honest, I feel a little uncomfortable about the…expense…of the place. Are you sure?”

I gave him the out. I told him I have a $60 Groupon at Bonterra we could use, which is just as much (if not more) as Upstream, but the overall tab would be less (and I wouldn’t feel a bit guilty, since I would have essentially contributed $25/$60 to the bill).

“Well, it’s up to you, but don’t worry about the bill.”

Well, okay. Upstream it is.

Don’t get me wrong. I love a nice, expensive dinner out occasionally. I dated a guy once who didn’t “do” dives – only the best for him. We were together for a couple of months, and I didn’t even blink when the prices on the menu climbed above $25, $30 (or, better yet, one of those restaurants with a “blank” menu – no pricing).

But on a second date?

And don’t anyone tell me he’s just trying to get in my pants. I don’t really think that’s all there is to it, and even if it were, nothing will allow anyone in my pants unless I have made the decision I want someone IN my pants.

I’m not that kind of girl, either.


So how did the date go, you ask? It went well. He’s a very nice man. He brought me a single red rose. We had an appetizer and dinner and a lovely white Bordeaux, then had dessert and some Bubbly. Good conversation. We went over to a wine bar across the street and got another bottle of wine, which we only drank about half of (he corked it to take the rest home, offering it to me first). On our way back to our cars we ran into our waitresses from Upstream and talked to them for a few minutes. They were on their way to the wine bar, and he ended up giving them the rest of his bottle of wine. Very nice of him.

He held my hand. And kissed me. And…I felt nothing. I felt obligated, but not enthusiastic. Both of which are not good.

I have many thoughts running rampant right now, and I’m working on organizing them. It boils down to hating that I’ve met several wonderful men, yet I feel nothing. Why do I feel nothing? Is it just not right, the chemistry not there? Are my standards too high, am I expecting The Perfect Man?

Am I not ready? Am I trying too hard to get over things I’m not ready to get over yet?

Am I sick and tired of all this and driving myself crazy? Now, that I can answer. YES.

10 responses to “I’m not that kind of girl

  1. Men have their instincts but I will admit that it is not as accurate as woman’s intuition. If you’re feeling nothing, there’s probably a good reason for it. Alot of people over-analyse things and in the process of doing it, they dig themselves deeper and deeper into a hole that shows no way for the person to get out.

    Personally for me, I like to keep things simple and I just enjoy the date for what it has to offer. If it doesn’t work and there’s no connection, it means that there is no connection. That’s it.

    • delightfuleccentric

      Good advice – I think I need to remember to keep things simple and simply enjoy. I’ll work on that!!

      Thanks for stopping by! Please come again. 😉

  2. Seems to me that romantic partners can come from any number of sources. Your approach seems healthy and sound. Your idea of giving first dates a chance to become a second date, so as to take the pressure off makes perfect sense. It could be you’re putting too much pressure on yourself… or, well, you just haven’t found the right guy *in the right circumstance* just yet.

    I suspect that opportunities will be presenting themselves to you before much longer. This is just a hunch, based upon the fact that you seem well-adjusted, you are “not unattractive” (to use your sentiments), you are articulate and intelligent (and smart is definitely sexy), and you respect yourself (as evidenced by your standards, by your not giving in when you don’t feel the connection). In a world where all the good ones always seem to be taken, how much longer can you remain on the market, really, before someone worthwhile is interested in you *and* you are interested back?

    Don’t rush it. You’re doing fine. When you say “No” to settling for something that doesn’t work for you, you remain open for the right opportunity to present itself.

    Trust me. Settling = bad. And I don’t think it’s a matter of you not being ready. Rather, it’s just a matter of chemistry.

    • delightfuleccentric

      So much insight, as always, and a wonderful boost to my ego!! I agree – I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole “settling” idea, and thinking about you in the process. To me, settling isn’t only not good for the person settling, it’s disrespectful and rude to the person that is the settlee (new word?). I mean, how must that person feel, to know that you “settled” for them, because they didn’t see anything better?

      (And, I owe you an email. I’m trying!!)

  3. i’ll just say ditto to Seattle…don’t over-analyze, don’t stress and just enjoy it. 🙂

  4. Same opinion as Seattle. I’ve been in a few situations myself where the guy was nice, seemed like he met a number of qualities I look for in guys, but there were key differences/dealbreakers (e.g. children) that had me saying “nice guy but I can’t take this any further” or for some reason I didn’t feel there was chemistry. Also like your two-date approach – who knows the first date could be an off night for one of you. But if someone does insist on paying, definitely offer, but after that, I wouldn’t stress out about it.

    • delightfuleccentric

      I think there are dealbreakers and then there are DEALbreakers. There are some things that you can “give up” if it feels right, and other things that you can’t. Don’t hold too tightly to the wrong ones! 🙂

      Thanks for reading and commenting – I love getting the thoughts of others!

  5. I’m with Seattle too. I think it’s awesome that he took you to Upstream and did his best to treat you well. I understand your hesitation though. Having said that, pushing something that doesn’t feel right never works. Be patient. It will come.

    • delightfuleccentric

      Well, everyone seems to think that Seattle is One Smart Cookie. Maybe I’ll start calling him OSCar. 😉

      I really think it was less about treating me well (although of course he was) and more about having someone to enjoy a nice dinner with, something he evidently doesn’t get very often. That’s the one part that made me feel a little better about the whole thing.

      After all the comments, both on here and In Real Life, I’ve come to the realization that I just need to treat dating as DATING. Have fun, enjoy the person and the time we spend together, and not put too much thought into “Is this the one?” Now let’s just see if I can continue to remember that!