I had a first date with this guy recently, we’ll call him Magnum PI. Had a great time, enjoyed the conversation, but, like with most of the dates I’ve been on, I’m just not feeling any chemistry. We had a bottle of wine and appetizers at one place, then went to another bar and had a beer. He paid for both, which I appreciated. He asked me out on a second date.
I believe in second dates, most of the time. The first date has so much built into it already, and you never know what the second date will hold. You could end up disappointed, or half in love. Or, you could end up with a good friend. But I think you need that second date sometimes to truly feel out the possibility of a relationship.
So, even though I wasn’t feeling much chemistry on my side the first night, I did like him and enjoy his company enough to do a second date. So I asked what he had in mind.
“Well, I came up with two options. Would you feel comfortable coming to my house and letting me cook for you?”
Um…no. Not on a second date.
“Okay, then, how about Upstream? I’ve been there a couple of times, for work events and such, and I’ve been wanting to go back.”
Of course I’d love to go to Upstream. I’ve heard great things about it. But it’s not in my budget. For example, their dinner menu includes Seared Ahi Tuna ($29) and Wild Sea Bass ($39). Add a bottle of inexpensive wine onto that, and the bill comes to over $100 easy, not including tip. Granted, I already knew he was going to be paying for it, but that’s a pretty extravagant dinner for a second date. Especially, you know, since I’m not really sure that there’s going to be a third.
As the day approached, I got more and more uncomfortable with the idea that he would be paying for this meal. Some of my girlfriends were like, “He’s paying, who cares?” I was telling a male friend about my dilemma, how I wasn’t comfortable with the cost of the meal, and he said that most women wouldn’t think twice about it.
“But I’m not most women. I think we’ve established that.” I’m not that kind of girl, the kind that uses men and expects them to drop a lot of money on her.
I called him the night before, and he had already made reservations. “I’m really looking forward to this, I haven’t had a nice dinner out in a while, and I’ve only been there when someone else is picking up the tab.”
Well, I couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity. “Yeah, about that. I have to be honest, I feel a little uncomfortable about the…expense…of the place. Are you sure?”
I gave him the out. I told him I have a $60 Groupon at Bonterra we could use, which is just as much (if not more) as Upstream, but the overall tab would be less (and I wouldn’t feel a bit guilty, since I would have essentially contributed $25/$60 to the bill).
“Well, it’s up to you, but don’t worry about the bill.”
Well, okay. Upstream it is.
Don’t get me wrong. I love a nice, expensive dinner out occasionally. I dated a guy once who didn’t “do” dives – only the best for him. We were together for a couple of months, and I didn’t even blink when the prices on the menu climbed above $25, $30 (or, better yet, one of those restaurants with a “blank” menu – no pricing).
But on a second date?
And don’t anyone tell me he’s just trying to get in my pants. I don’t really think that’s all there is to it, and even if it were, nothing will allow anyone in my pants unless I have made the decision I want someone IN my pants.
I’m not that kind of girl, either.
So how did the date go, you ask? It went well. He’s a very nice man. He brought me a single red rose. We had an appetizer and dinner and a lovely white Bordeaux, then had dessert and some Bubbly. Good conversation. We went over to a wine bar across the street and got another bottle of wine, which we only drank about half of (he corked it to take the rest home, offering it to me first). On our way back to our cars we ran into our waitresses from Upstream and talked to them for a few minutes. They were on their way to the wine bar, and he ended up giving them the rest of his bottle of wine. Very nice of him.
He held my hand. And kissed me. And…I felt nothing. I felt obligated, but not enthusiastic. Both of which are not good.
I have many thoughts running rampant right now, and I’m working on organizing them. It boils down to hating that I’ve met several wonderful men, yet I feel nothing. Why do I feel nothing? Is it just not right, the chemistry not there? Are my standards too high, am I expecting The Perfect Man?
Am I not ready? Am I trying too hard to get over things I’m not ready to get over yet?
Am I sick and tired of all this and driving myself crazy? Now, that I can answer. YES.