I admit it – I still look up. It doesn’t hurt like it once did. It doesn’t eviscerate me anymore. It still hurts occasionally, but it’s not as bad. It just sucks that there is quite literally a constant reminder of The Pilot, every minute on the minute it seems, as planes use the flight path above my office or over my condo. I can rarely go outside without seeing an airplane. Oh, God, but those days I can? Heaven.
(Just out of curiosity, I decided to keep track of the number of planes I saw today. On my 15 minute drive to work, I saw 8 (5 within 3 minutes). I saw 9 in the twenty minutes I spent running around at lunch. On my 25 minute drive home, I saw 11. And looking out the office windows randomly throughout the day, I saw 5. This is just planes taking off and landing, by the way.)
You may remember, from this post, that I hear airplanes overhead almost every night. It’s really hard, because there’s nothing to block out the noise, nothing to block out the thoughts, when you’re lying in bed in the dark.
“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now…”
This song came out at the perfect time. I thought I would hate it, that it would make me think of him, but actually, I love it. Because now, when I hear an airplane at night, while lying in bed, I just pretend it’s a shooting star, and I make a wish.
And, surprisingly, my wishes rarely have anything to do with his d*ck falling off.
I’ve kind of surprised myself lately. I actually don’t wish any ill will toward The Pilot or his relationship anymore. I never really wished any ill will toward The Other Woman, as she’s not the one who did anything wrong. I think she’s a bit of an idiot for staying with him, letting him get away with it, but she didn’t have any part in causing me pain (other than not giving me the courtesy of answering my email). While I do hope that one day The Pilot gets what’s coming to him (karma is, as they say, a bitch), I don’t wish any of the hurt I’ve felt on her.
I think I’m growing, as a person.
Really, all I ever wanted in all this is closure, so I can move on easier. Just some explanation, some apology. That’s what I wish for. (If wishes were horses…)
What do you wish for when you see shooting stars?