I’m not okay. I’m not fine. I’m having serious issues.
I’ve been lying all too often, to my friends, about how I’m doing. But I don’t feel like they can fully understand what I’m feeling.
It hits me the hardest in the car, when I’m on my way to work, when I’m at lunch, wehn I’m on my way home. That’s when I have to fight back tears the most. That’s when I hurt the most.
I’m not lying when I say I don’t want him back. Finding out that he cheated on me for months, if not the entire time we were together, makes me not love him, makes me not want to be with him.
But I desperately want closure. I want an apology. I want an explanation. I want to know that he feels bad. If I just knew that, I think I would be better.
What made him cheat? What made me not enough? Why her, and not me? Why did he lead both of us on for so long? And why, in God’s name, would she forgive him? She’s allowing him to get away with this, and it pisses me off.
I don’t want to hate him. Hating him gives him control. I want to not even think about him. To just be able to think, “Him? He’s just some guy I dated.”
It just hurts. So incredibly bad. To know that I loved someone who could do this to me. To think that, if he did love me, he was still able to do this. To think that he didn’t love me. It all hurts.
I want to be able to fine. I want to be okay.
If wishes were horses….