The truth?

I’m not okay.  I’m not fine.  I’m having serious issues. 

I’ve been lying all too often, to my friends, about how I’m doing.  But I don’t feel like they can fully understand what I’m feeling.

It hits me the hardest in the car, when I’m on my way to work, when I’m at lunch, wehn I’m on my way home.  That’s when I have to fight back tears the most.  That’s when I hurt the most.

I’m not lying when I say I don’t want him back.  Finding out that he cheated on me for months, if not the entire time we were together, makes me not love him, makes me not want to be with him.

But I desperately want closure.  I want an apology.  I want an explanation.  I want to know that he feels bad.  If I just knew that, I think I would be better.

What made him cheat?  What made me not enough?  Why her, and not me?  Why did he lead both of us on for so long?  And why, in God’s name, would she forgive him?  She’s allowing him to get away with this, and it pisses me off. 

I don’t want to hate him.  Hating him gives him control.  I want to not even think about him.  To just be able to think, “Him?  He’s just some guy I dated.” 

It just hurts.  So incredibly bad.  To know that I loved someone who could do this to me.  To think that, if he did love me, he was still able to do this.  To think that he didn’t love me.  It all hurts. 

I want to be able to fine.  I want to be okay. 

If wishes were horses….

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8 responses to “The truth?

  1. I’m am sorry that you are going through a difficult time with this. I read once, in Seventeen Magazine no less, that it takes about one week for every month you were dating someone to get over them. So give it some time still. You aren’t to that yet.

    It’s ok to grieve your relationship. You had some hopes, desires and expectations for it that didn’t pan out the way you thought. It is a loss in your life, even if not the kind people think about. There are four stages in the grief process and you will go back and forth through them: Accept the loss, Process the pain of the grief, Adjust to a changed environment and Emotional relocation. You have a lot to process.

    Not having the closure hurts. It still hurts me, 5 years after my divorce. But it hurts less now. He’s a wimp for not having the balls to talk to you personally. Your work is to try and keep going knowing there will never be a good enough explanation.

    You’ll get through this.

    K

  2. She’s right, his answers to your questions would never be good enough. I’m sorry you feel so bad, but I like how you’re starting to take some positive steps forward (i.e. match). Love ya lady.

  3. that was me BTW.

  4. I’m so sorry you’re hurting like this. It sucks.

    My two cents:
    Cent one: K and Tangles are right, there is nothing he could say that would make you feel better, because even if he came with something good, you have to take into account that he’s a big fat liar and maybe he’s feeding you another line.

    Cent two: Why would she forgive him? The same reason you forgave when he did crappy things like not call you, disappear for days, etc. etc. He’s a scumbag manipulative liar, and she’s being manipulated just like you were. He probably chose her over you because she’s a tad easier to manipulate. Be thankful that you’re the strong woman you are and that he chose to pass on that strong, beautiful woman.

    Asshole.

  5. (Wow, we’ve got smart friends.)

    True dat, Someday. Don’t kick yourself, it just literally takes time. The clock is ticking, time IS passing.

    True dat, tangles. No explanation would be good enough anyway, plus it’d be all raw again, and really for what? A whole new batch of “why”‘s? No thanks.

    True dat, Benn. You wouldn’t believe the explanation anyway, if it was a crappy one, or especially if it was a “good” one. You dodged a bullet. She knowingly stood right in front of one.

    You’re stronger than you think you are. It’s just hard to see it while you’re “in” it. This I know.

    I only hope you eventually find a way to embrace that this made you stronger. And the problem is his, you escaped it. And find a way to find it funny.

    I mean really: He had the perfect situation– YOU. And blew it. What a doofus! Sucka. I know I’m laughing at him.

  6. delightfuleccentric

    You’re right. All of you are right. Any explanations he could ever give me would never be enough, and HOLY CRAP you’re right that I would never believe him, anyway. Why didn’t I realize that before??

    Love you all-

  7. It took me a Very Long Time to get over a very painful break up. I don’t think the formula posted above necessarily applies. Even so… don’t be mad at yourself for bad days. As you’ve already discovered, good days will start to become more frequent as time goes on.

    That said, there’s always a good break-up song to try to enjoy…

  8. I wonder if the other girlfriend looks at him and thinks “i won!”? That’s one lottery you should be glad you didn’t win. And to be betrayed like that is going to take time to get over. But don’t let it make you scared to meet someone honest and good and be in love again.
    And then, ditto to what everyone else said. 🙂