I joined  Again.  Something I was hoping to never do again, but what can you do.

I always have this dilemma with online dating.  Actually, two. 

  • I know that there are some great men out there, but they may not appear attractive to me in their pictures.  I also know that a person can be better looking or worse looking, based on their personality.  So, do I give the ones I wouldn’t normally be interested in a chance? 
  • I always respond to a wink or an email, even if it’s just with a “No Thanks.”  I feel it’s impolite to completely ignore someone.  But now I’m not sure how to handle a particular issue.  I’ve exchanged several emails with a couple of guys that were kind of “meh” to begin with, and I really don’t feel interested in.  What do I do at this point?  Send them an email that says, essentially, “I’m sorry, I think you’re boring”?  Ignore them?  I hate doing that, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  Maybe I’m giving myself too much credit, to think that I might hurt someone’s feelings by not being interested in them after a few emails. 

What would Emily Post say?  What do you, Reader, think?

I found this interesting forum post online here – an interesting read, but I’ll sum up, as it’s rather long.  This man signed up for Match for one month, made an extensive and very thorough list of women he wanted to contact, based on their profiles and Match’s “match” qualifications, with little emphasis on photos, and more emphasis on his actual likes and dislikes and what he wanted from a woman and a relationship.  He began systematically emailing them, taking the time to specifically mention things from their profile (IOW, not a generic email).  He emailed several women a day, and by the end of the month, he had emailed 94 women.  Out of those 94 women, 81 had read the email.  Only 9 women read his profile (the others didn’t even bother to look at his profile).  He got 4 “No Thanks” replies (which is a simple one button option).  No one emailed him back.

I was absolutely FLOORED by this.  He had a 5% respond rate, and a 0% interest rate.  I always read the profile, and I am very big on reading the full profile before flipping through any pictures (although, of course, the main picture is hard to avoid).  I have ignored gorgeous men who write crappy profiles.  I have a harder time with great profiles when the pictures are…less than attractive, or when it’s someone I know I won’t be physically attracted to.  The only exception to this is men who are listed as “currently separated.”  The second I see that, I say “No Thanks,” and I always have.  Guys, you are married.  I don’t care that NC divorce laws are stupid and require you to be separated for a year before filing for divorce.  You are still MARRIED.  I don’t want to be a part of that. 

My favorite part of this whole forum post is this:

I have to question the quality of breeding among the women on MATCH.COM. Basic common decency dictates that in an environment like on-line dating that one gives a response to all serious inquires. MATCH has convenience of a “No Thanks” button right beside the message for the recipients to use. Yet, the overwhelming majority of the women who actually read the mail do not exhibit the courtesy of giving any response. Men, do you really want a woman who is not going to thank you when you give help? Is going to be rude to your family? That’s is the kind of women you are likely to find on MATCH.COM. To be quite honest, I think I have dodged a bullet by not having these women respond to me.

8 responses to “ Etiquette

  1. Well, then.

    The guys you’re not interested in? Just say, “I’m glad we’ve had a chance to chat. I’m not interested, but I really do wish you success!” The end. No drama. That’s why you’re using That’s the advantage of the internet dating service. Say “No, thanks!” and move on. Ignoring them would be rude. Continuing the conversation when you’ve decided it’s not going anywhere would be pointless.

    I’m glad you at least respond, unlike the women in that forum post. That said, something that his post doesn’t reveal: the quality of his initial e-mails. (The post makes it seem like he’s articulate, but who knows if there was something off-putting in his e-mails to the women?) He *might* be an outlier. Then again, his experience may be typical. I’ll ask a friend of mine who used out here. He’s currently living with a woman he met through, so I know he got a response from at least one woman. I can’t ask him right now… he’s in Costa Rica with his girlfriend.


    I think you’re right to not judge too quickly on the profile picture. One of our fellow bloggers and I chat via Skype from time to time. I’ve never seen an attractive photo of her. That’s all there is to it; she doesn’t photo well. But seeing her on Skype? Engaging her in conversation? She’s quite attractive, and I’d have no qualms dating her… if only she didn’t live closer to you than to me, and if only she wasn’t dating already, and if she were similarly inclined, and if only if only if only. But you see my point. The photos don’t always tell the truth. And yes, it’s best if they’re not completely repulsive, but your approach sounds very positive.

    That said, I think Emily Post would recommend that you move to Seattle, where it never rains.

  2. You reply because your momma raised you right. So there.

    (Psst… I think someone has a blog crush….) 🙂


  3. 5% response rate, absolutely believeable, absolutely average.

    that’s for a guy just starting out. once you get your mojo down a little bit better, I can get my response rate to about 1/5 or about 20%?

    but it never, ever ever, ever, can get higher than that. no matter what girls I message , what pics I have up , what I say or how little or how much. most girls just………. read. then they do nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Thanks, ladies!

    –Rob “The Chillmaster” Fancher

  4. For what its worth, I’m a guy and my hit rate is close to 30-40%.

  5. I’m sure the success rate is proportional to the effort and looks of the guy or girl.

  6. I’ve had the same worthless results. When you can’t even go through the effort to hit a “no thanks” button that is sad. Women, don’t bitch about no good guys out there before you look in the mirror.

  7. I’m a guy, and my hit rate has consistently been 40% or better. If you’re only getting 5%, I’d consider re-writing your profile.

  8. I’ve been at match about a month. I’m separated, wife and kids will be moving out of state. The marriage is over, that being said there is a preference for relationship, widower, divorced, etc…. My thing is how do you really sell yourself, on a website. How do you convey who you really are, if you favorite someone and don’t email them are you considered a stalker? I’ve sent out winks, emails, etc.. I’ve had conversations just stop. I wonder if it is something I’ve written and someone read between the lines. For instance I thought I was being witty or funny and they took offense. Too much second guessing.