I hate not being able to do something well. I absolutely hate it. Especially when it comes to work.
I’m a little bit of a perfectionist, and just a tad bit obsessive compulsive. I’m not a total neat freak, but when I do clean, I go over the top. I may only vacuum once every six weeks, but I move all of the furniture when I do it. I don’t need to make sure my silverware is lined up perfectly with my plate, but I have noticed that I tend to count – stair steps, seconds it takes to fill my glass with water, brush strokes… I’m very reluctant to let anyone else do something, because I don’t think they’ll do it right. They’ll fold the towels wrong, or the way they write out information isn’t the way I envisioned it.
So, yeah, definite tendencies that would point toward OCPD. I’m aware of this, and it’s certainly not anything that’s interfering with my life. Most of the time.
But then there are days like today. I’ve been in this new position now for about 9 months. Some days are great, and I really feel like I know what I’m doing. Actually, what I should say is, some tasks I feel comfortable with, and I feel like I know what I’m doing. Other tasks…not so much. And I HATE not knowing what I’m doing. It drives me crazy. I beat myself up over every little mistake.
Like today, when I created an excel spreadsheet to have uploaded into our database. I did what I needed to do, and printed out 216 pages. And then realized that I put the wrong information in one of the fields, so all 216 pages need to be voided, trashed, and I need to print 216 more pages. Because I f*&$ed up.
And this will bother me all night. I will dwell, and dwell, and dwell, and cuss myself, and berate myself, and want to quit my job, and wonder why the hell my boss hasn’t fired me yet.
Even right now, I’m sitting here going, “You are such an idiot.” And I know I’m not, I know this kind of crap happens to everyone, I know people make mistakes. But right now, I feel like shit, and there’s not a lot I can do to make that feeling go away. Because I’m slightly obsessive compulsive and can’t let it go.
It’s a vicious cycle.