I think I just tipped

I was talking to a friend earlier tonight about The Pilot.  I’ve been struggling with the decision of whether or not to take my profile off of Match.  I haven’t taken it down yet, because I’m not quite at that invisible, nameless point where I’m ready, but I also haven’t logged on in nearly a month, because (a) I haven’t wanted to, and (b) I haven’t felt the need to.  Explaining this is probably going to get convoluted and come out sounding ridiculous, but I’ll try.

Taking my profile down is kind of like being the first to flinch.  And not that I’m trying to play games, or be coy, or be the one “less invested” in the relationship, but I kind of feel like I should have some sort of commitment on the other side before conceding the game.  So by leaving my profile up but not logging in, it’s sort of like a silent forfeit – I’m defeated, but I’m not admitting it out loud.  I guess that’s the part of me that is still holding back, still trying to keep some wall up so I don’t get hurt.  It’s my self-preservation side refusing to step aside.  I know it, I know it’s not right, but I’m reluctant to shove that part of me into a closet.  I’m still so scared of getting hurt, even though I fully realize that life (and love) is about letting go and taking risks.

I got off the phone with my friend and was puttering around the house, when I got a text.  It was from The Pilot, a picture from inside the cockpit on the runway of the plane in front of him, and it said, “Thinking of you.”

And I tipped.

We haven’t had “The Talk,” and although I want it, I’m not going to be the one to initiate it.  But I am taking my profile down.  And if he notices and wants to discuss it…well, then, we’ll discuss it.  I’m not sure what I’ll say, because I’m really not sure about the WHY, all I can come up with right now is that I don’t want to see anyone else.  It’s not that he’s “The One,” it’s not that I want a commitment, it’s simply because I honestly don’t have (metaphorically) eyes for anyone but him.  He makes me happy.  We have fun.  He freely expresses his desire to be with me, his thoughts of me when we’re apart, and his enjoyment of the time we spend together.

This is incredibly hard for me, to take it all at face value.  I still constantly wonder about people’s honesty and their motives for saying what they say, particularly when it comes to dating relationships.  But I’m going to push those doubts aside, assume that he means everything he says with the utmost sincerity, and hope for the best. 

God, I’m scared.  Terrified of being hurt. 

But tonight I tipped.


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