I’m having one of those nights where I can’t sleep because there’s too much noise in my head. I spoke with a friend of mine last night, and something he said has been clanging around in my brain ever since. He wasn’t trying to be mean, I know that – he honestly was trying to be helpful and offer some constructive criticism. And I see exactly what he was saying, and somewhat agree with it – but it doesn’t make it hurt any less, or make things any better, or easier.
In his opinion, when it comes to dating, I don’t offer enough of a “challenge” to men to make it interesting. I’m pretty laid back and easy going, and a lot of the time, if I don’t have an opinion on something, I’ll go along with whatever. I’m one of those women that says “Whatever” when asked what I want to eat – not because I don’t have an opinion, or a voice, or I’m trying to be easy and go along with what he wants, but simply because I Don’t Care. Sometimes, I do care, and I am quite vocal about things when I do care. But most of the time, I don’t.
I don’t think that’s the part that upset me the most. He said that I should be more “myself” and stand up for myself more. Now, this friend knows me well enough to know that I AM BEING MYSELF. That’s just who I am. So, even though I know he didn’t mean it that way, what I heard was that who I am, Myself, is not good enough to ever get a man. Because Myself is not interesting enough. Because Myself is boring. That’s the part that really hurts, that has me up right now instead of sleeping, that has me questioning my self worth.
Because isn’t that kind of the point – that I shouldn’t change myself for a man? So why am I worried about it? Why is this eating at me? Why do I care? And why the hell do I let him get to me??