If I don’t see you, you’re not there

I am a master at avoidance.  It’s my stand-by coping mechanism.  If I don’t want to deal with something, I simply…forget it’s there.  I don’t deal with it.  Simple.  Easy. 

Yeah…can you see problems with this?

A while back, The Pilot and I were having problems.  Scratch that – I was having problems.  While I still think that some of my issues were slightly justified, I managed to blow everything entirely out of proportion.  And the main reason was my propensity to compare our relationship with the relationships of others. 

Stupid, I know.

Since then, things have been Faboo.  And I have been avoiding certain blogs and message boards like the bloody plague.  I’ve wanted to read them, because I feel like some of the people I connected with were becoming friends, and I want to catch up with their lives.  But instead, I studiously ignore the links in my favorites.  They’re not there, I don’t see them, they don’t exist.

I’m getting closer to checking in on them.  Maybe soon. 

(Incidentally, my personal life is not the only place I practice avoidance in this way.  Bees…bees are another prime example.  If one is flying around me, I simply hold still and close my eyes.  Because, if I don’t see it, it’s not there.  It’s the same thing my cat does when he doesn’t want to acknowledge me.)

Joining in the Reindeer Games

I went to a cookout over the weekend with some friends.  They brought their husbands, and the other non-married girl in the group brought her spanking new boyfriend.  She was introducing him around, and he was talking to everyone, and everyone loved him.

And it made me very sad, because I very rarely get to take The Pilot to group events like this and introduce him around.

Let me be clear – I wasn’t sad because I didn’t get the experience.  It made me sad because he doesn’t get the experience, and they (my friends) don’t get the experience.   Because The Pilot is an awesome human being, and my friends would love him.  But, while he has met some of my friends, most of them he’s only met once, and they haven’t really gotten to know him.

He doesn’t get to “play” like “normal” Americans do, since almost everything is done on the weekends.  He doesn’t get to go to the picnics, the pool parties, the movie nights, the dinners.  And it makes me very sad that he doesn’t get to do these things.  To me, it seems very isolating.  When he is home, especially these days, he doesn’t have enough time for everything.  He has so much to do, and tries to fit so many things in, and he wears himself out.  And I know it’s hard on him.  I try to be understanding, and I think I succeed most of the time.  I just wish I could make things easier for him.  I wish I could take some of the exhaustion from him, make everything better.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

The song stuck in my head today:

Happy Anniversary

It’s been 1 year to the day since my first date with The Pilot.

“Approach love and cooking with equal abandon”

So, I have this friend.  My friend is completely in love with his girlfriend, and she…kind of likes him.  And he’s really upset about it, and doesn’t know what to do.  And it got me thinking about another friend, who’s been engaged for several years, who often laments that “it sucks being the one who loves the most.”  Because you’re the one who ends up hurt.

I’ve been on both sides of the coin in the past.  It’s such a hard balancing act, really, in a “new” relationship.  You have to open yourself up, but you’re so incredibly scared of getting hurt, so you pull back.  And often, pulling back is what does you in. 

I know.  Been there, done that.

So the best advice I can offer my friend is, to quote The Dalai Lama, “Approach love and cooking with equal abandon.”  That’s what I always try to remember.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember.

My boyfriend went to Scotland, and all I got was…

So, The Pilot went to Scotland last weekend for a pleasure trip.  I was slightly miffed, but he has been wanting to go, and it was a good deal, so, whatever.  Fine.  I’m over it.  Mostly.  I told him that I wanted a good gift from Scotland, to make up for it.  “What do you want?” he asked.  “Something that makes you think of me,” I said.  “Not a shotglass!” I qualified, since so many people tend to bring shotglasses back from vacation.

So last night he comes over, and he hands me my “gift.” 

A chocolate bar, and a little bag from the first class cabin.  I start digging though the bag.  Something falls out, and I pick it up.  “Do you know what that is?” he asks.  “A travel toothbrush and toothpaste.”  He has (what I thought was) this expectant look on his face, so I’m wondering if maybe there’s more to the bag than just the “swag.”  I pull out an eyemask, some hand lotion, lip balm, earplugs, and, “Oh, socks.”  “They’re booties!” he says. 

I look at him and say, “So, my boyfriend went to Scotland, and all I got was this chocolate bar?” 

“It’s really good chocolate.”

Oy.  Boys can be so stupid.

I’m thinking it’s more like, “My boyfriend went to Scotland, and he forgot to get me something until he got to the airport.”

It’s not that I was expecting much, but something that reflects the actual locale is usually the vacation memento you bring back for people, right?  Even if it’s just a trinket like a keychain or a magnet…that they sell in the airport.

(I hope it comes across that I really do find this more humorous than anything else.  Boys really can be incredibly dumb sometimes.  But you’ve got to love ‘em.)

Random Friday

Adding to my birthday list….I love the poppy bowls sold by this seller.  Oh, and I need a new pizza stone!

Hair Experiment update: so, last night I worked out and got in the shower. I used conditioner to scrub my head…weird. Let it air dry last night, and skipped the shower this morning. I have to say, it had quite a lot of bounce and body this morning, but I could definitely feel the difference. It was a bit heavy (my hair, for those who don’t know me, is pretty heavy to begin with). It could possibly be simply because I slept on it last night and didn’t wash it this morning. I’ve asked a couple of people to be absolutely 100% honest and report on the appearance of my hair, because I simply judge myself too harshly. As of 8:30 this morning, it looked good, according to them. My layers were particularly well defined. By noon I had clipped it back in a clip, as has become my habit. I asked my friends at about 3 for a “hair report,” and it still looked fine to them. To me, it felt heavy, as if I had used too much conditioner…

I realized today that I haven’t hung upside down from the monkey bars in years. I really must remedy that. I need to plan a day to go to the park and swing on the swings, go round on the merry-go-round, slide down the slide, play chicken on the monkey bars, and hang upside down. Maybe even teeter on the teeter-totter (or totter – I’m not picky). Now that spring has sprung, I’ll pick a day when the weather is nice and go enjoy the sunshine like a kid.

The Pilot is off to Scotland this weekend, for a pleasure trip. Am I jealous? You bet! He has been trying to arrange a trip, and he was able to this weekend. He asked if I was pissed, and I said no. “I just wish that one of these days, when you have some time off, you might think, ‘Hey, maybe Delightful and I can go somewhere fun together!’ Especially when it’s a weekend, when I’m off work anyways.” I hope he got the point. I actually am not pissed – I know he’s been wanting to go, and he really did get a good deal. It just bothers me because it makes me feel like he doesn’t want to spend an extended period of time with me. I’m still struggling with my need for more vs. his “when it’s convenient” attitude.

Ok, that’s it for now!  Go play!

The Back Burner Issue

One of the problems with dating someone who isn’t around all the time is that it makes it really difficult to fight.  At least for me.  I have an issue with fighting on the phone – I don’t think it should be done.  I think that if you’re going to fight, or have a serious discussion, or anything like that, then it needs to be done in person, face to face.  Maybe it’s because I’m not much of a phone person to begin with, but I think it has more to do with looking into each others eyes and making sure there is no miscommunication in the process.  No misunderstood/garbled words, you can see facial expressions, and it’s much easier to make up once the fight/discussion is over.  I like to think it’s harder to lie in person.  And, as my friend B says, you can hold hands during the fight, and it’s much harder to hate someone when you’re holding hands.

When you only see your significant other once a week, sometimes the issue builds inside of you.  You don’t know when you’ll be able to discuss it, and so it simmers, making you pretty much miserable.  I try really hard to put it on the back burner (to keep with the cooking metaphors), and, actually, a lot of times it works, and I’m okay.  But sometimes….Well, let’s just say that I’ve found there are several ways it can go:

1. You hold onto it for so long that it blows up.
2. You hold onto it long enough that when you’re able to discuss it, you no longer have the desire to, because it’s just not worth it anymore.
3. It simmers on the back burner and you’re able to discuss it rationally once you’re together.
4. You start to feel guilty because it seems like every time you see each other, you’re arguing, simply because that’s the only time you can do it.
5. You feel stupid for being upset/angry in the first place.

I’m in stage 3 right now.  Hopefully I’ll stay there, and be able to discuss the issue I have in a rational manner.  And hopefully it’ll get resolved.  But I’m kind of afraid it’s going to end up a combination of 1 and 5.  Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s a stupid “high-school”-like issue.  But I think there’s an underlying issue.  I think the thing I’m ticked off about is stupid and high-school-ish, but the reason behind the issue is, actually, an issue.  A big one.  I need a reasonable explanation, and if I don’t get one, I’m going to be seriously ticked off.

It really is the little things

Sunrise over New Orleans, Friday February 6, 2009

The Pilot sent me this picture yesterday morning.  Actually, what’s funny was that I was sending him a picture, and my phone was sending, and then suddenly it was receiving, which I thought was odd.  Turns out we were thinking of each other at the same time.   I know, I’m a sap.

Anyway, all he did was send me this picture, and it literally made my morning.  I was a happy girl.  See, that’s all I need – just a little something to let me know he’s thinking about me.  It could be something as simple as a text smile – two keystrokes and send – and it would be all I need to know I’m loved – even though he hasn’t said that yet. 

I’m really quite simple.

Eccentric News in my (not so) Delightful World

Just some random stuff, really…

Looks like I got my wireless router working again – yay me!  I ended up changing the channel/frequency, which somehow impressed the heck out of my more-tech-minded friend, but really was far easier than the upgrading the firmware bit.  Now I get to work on backing up my computer, wiping it clean, and reloading everything.  I’m a bit intimidated…

In other news, I was reading an article online today about a professor that woke up from a coma, and underneath that article, I read that there was a fire in my condo complex yesterday.  A two-alarm, 54 firefighter fire.  And somehow, even though I was home all day, and my complex isn’t that big, I seem to have completely missed it.   I don’t even remember the sirens – and you would think with 54 firefighters, there would be a lot of sirens!!  No worries – no damage to my building.

The Pilot has been somewhat…non-communicative lately.  I’m fighting the urge to be petty, but I don’t think I’ll succeed.  So, excuse me as I go back to being a hormonal 16 year old.  A lesson will likely not be learned, but maybe I’ll get some aggression out.  Maybe.

The Company laid off some people last week, but I’m still there, and have been assured that there will be no more layoffs.  Of course, I’m taking that with a grain of salt.  (Note to self…update CV…)

I’m gearing up to do more with my two part-time businesses – stay tuned to hear all about them (and buy, buy, buy!).  I joined several MeetUp groups to further my efforts.  I hope to be a busy girl soon.

I am really, really dying for a vacation.  Somewhere warm.  I swear, the minute I pay off all my debt, I am booking a freaking trip.  So that’s my goal with the businesses for the year – pay off my debt so that I can go on vacation.  Of course, NOW is when I need it.  Or maybe I just need a couple of margarita’s…..

A couple of margarita’s, a vacation, my Man.  Two out of three of those things would make me quite happy right now.