What I really want to say in my match.com emails

I am a glutton for punishment.

Or maybe I’m insane, with the whole “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” issue.

My match subscription hasn’t run out yet.  I haven’t been on since around Thanksgiving, because…well, I just couldn’t take it.  But, last night, I thought, “What the heck.”

This guy had recently winked at me.  I looked over his profile, thought he sounded intelligent, then I saw that one of his favorite authors is the author of one of my favorite books.

My email (paraphrased):  I was impressed to see that you like [author].  I haven’t read her most popular books, but I love [book title].  I like what I read in your profile, and that your list of things you like to do is endless.  I like to do a lot of different things in my spare time, and couldn’t possibly narrow it down to one or two things that I do all the time.  So tell me more about yourself.  There are some blank spots in your profile – trying to be mysterious, or do you have something to hide?  ;-)

Okay, let’s go over the fine points here, shall we?  I specifically mentioned something in his profile that we have in common, thus indicating the I read the profile.  I shared a little bit about me.  And I asked him an open-ended question.

His response (paraphrased):  Yeah, I like [author] a lot.  Her writing is really deep and sometimes it takes a while to understand her true meaning.  I’m new to match and still working on my profile.  I think everyone is more exciting and mysterious inside than in the material world.

Hm.  Let me see if I can point out what bothers me most about this.  Could it be that he expressed absolutely no interest in getting to know me better?  At this point, I see him expressing no interest, and there seems to be nothing more to interest me.

I’ve used different sets of rules with online dating in the past.  At one point, I would talk to anyone who emailed me, and go out with anyone who asked, my philosophy being that people are so much more than their online persona, and just because I may not find their photos attractive or they may seem boring/snobby/whatever on email, there may be some kind of spark when we actually meet. In the past, I would have emailed this guy back, tried to keep the conversation going, tried to learn more about him.

This time?  Screw that.  Strike One, you’re out.  I’m not wasting my time.  Boring profile?  Out.  Boring email?  Out.  Incoherent email full of misspelling and bad grammar?  Out.  (A few is fine.  More than one per sentence is not.)  You have a photo up where you look like a big honkin’ redneck or like you’re “compensating” for something or you have your shirt off for no other reason than you’re trying to show how hot you are?  Out.  I am so done with this crap.

Now I just have to figure out how to respond to this guy without sounding like a complete b*tch.  Because what I want to write is, “Well, since all you can manage is four sentences in response to my three paragraph email, and you ask no questions about me, it’s quite obvious you have no personality and/or you’re not interested in getting to know more about me, so have a nice life.”

How about, “Hm, that’s nice.  You sound like a very deep person – so deep you don’t give a sh*t about anyone else.  Since you’re new, let me give you a tip – ask a girl about herself.  It helps let her know you’re interested.  No questions=no interest, and with that in mind, I’m not longer interested in getting to know you further.  Best of luck!”

Or, “Wow, I can feel the overwhelming interest you have in me across the email synapses!  I know you’re dying to know about what kind of music I like or what my cat’s name is or what my favorite sushi restaurant is, but I guess you want to make sure we remain more mysterious than that.  You know the thing about mysteries?  They’re meant to be solved!  But, rest assured, you won’t be solving this one – I will forever remain a mystery.  Buh-bye.”

*sigh*


16 responses to “What I really want to say in my match.com emails

  1. Here’s the deal from a male perspective. Men quite literally do not have the same level of communication skills as woman on average. We also learn very quickly NOT to waste our time with long drawn out responses, AT FIRST, with Internet dating. You would be amazed at how many woman I have talked with over the years off and on in-between relationships and it’s really not worth investing a lot of time and energy into paragraphs of information to someone until I have at least established so connection. It really has nothing to do with you, you sounded great until you got jaded and got selective all the time and even you stated now you only answer certain emails from people that meet a select criteria, so how many emails from guys do you and hundreds of others just read and delete or simply delete just from the pic? So why would guys bother with paragraphs at the first 2 or 3 emails? It’s really not about you but a time saving and weeding out method we use. Don’t take it personal, he acknowledged you, if your really interested sedn him back a short and curt response providing a little info about you not on your profile and ask a specific question or two to show your interested in him and that he can easily answer and feel confident that its something you WANT to know. leaving it open like that is like laying a landmind just waiting for him to step in and say the wrong thing right off the bat.

    • delightfuleccentric

      Nice to get a man’s perspective on this! Let’s see…
      I get that men send a lot of unanswered emails, and it’s a lot of work – I’ve done the work without response plenty myself. But why should a guy bother with 2-3 paragraphs in the first email? Because the girl bothered! He winked. Rather than be passive and wink back, I put forth the effort of crafting an email. I already expressed my interest *by emailing him back in the first place* and by doing everything you said – a little info about me that’s not in my profile, and, okay, I didn’t ask him a specific question, but I asked him about himself. I don’t take his response (or lack thereof) personal, I just take it as another sign of the laziness I see in way too many men on match. Am I being unfair to some guys because of my experience with others? Sure. I guess you could say that makes me jaded. I’ve learned from my experiences…in the same way a person who is attacked by 15 squirrels learns to be wary of squirrels. (For the record, I always reply to emails, even if it’s just to say no thanks. Everyone deserves that courtesy.)

  2. Ok in fairness I did miss the line about him winking, and as a guy I can tell you that means three things, either 1) he was just cruising all the profiles and winking at any and all he was the least bit interested in to see who he got responses back from and then only really showed intrests in replying back to the ones he liked best. 2) He uses winks because he really is kind of dull and can’t think of anything entertaining or witty to say or open with. or 3) he’s just really shy and talking to a pretty girl really makes him nervous. I used to be a strong three on that list in my younger days. I had plenty to say but the thought of trying to say it to a pretty young woman scared me to death, I had my own confidence issues and self esteem issues back then. Try talking back to him and give him one more chane to prove he’s one of the jerks from 1 or 2 OR see if maybe he is 3 and really a shy nice guy imo.

    • delightfuleccentric

      I’m betting it’s 1 or 2. Based on your advice, I did email him back. I welcomed him to match, and asked him a specific question (“You like to cook – what’s your best dish?,” then shared that I like to cook, too, and am in a cooking club.
      His response: “That’s great! I’m sure a lots of guy want TI date with you because of your talent in cooking :) Do you want to meet sometimes?”
      Um…I’m thinking no.

  3. Yeah he’s def not a winner, good choice to move along. At least you can move forward knowing you let a D-bag go instead of a really nice yet shy guy though. lol

  4. So…I once met a guy on match who was a super communicator EXCEPT he kept asking me to post another pic. Posted a new pic and, it’s been awhile, he wanted another view. So I made some comment about his being shallow. This went back and forth until I posted yet another pic and again he wanted a different pic. He was shallow and I told him to just fade away.

    On the other hand, I met a match guy who’s spelling was iffy and pic was pretty serious…we’ve been married now for 7+ years and he is the BEST thing ever in my life so..keep the faith, trust your instincts and realize that at the end of the day, you only need to meet ONE to find THE one for you!!

    • delightfuleccentric

      It’s so nice to hear that sometimes, that whacked out system actually works!! Some of my faith has been restored. :)

      I never judge solely on pictures, but sometimes you really can tell so much from a picture. If a guy is standing beside a camaro, shirtless, showing off his chest and abs with a beer in his hand, I can pretty much bet he’s not someone I’m going to be interested in, no matter how cute or smokin’ hot he is (or how great his profile is, for that matter). It’s not about what he looks like in the picture, it’s about the feel I get *from* the picture.

      Love the part about only needing to meet ONE to find THE one. That’s a wonderful thought! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!

  5. Hey there, I stumbled on your blog while looking for match.com etiquette tips :) I just added my profile last night and didn’t know what to do with all these winks, emails and IMs from guys. It’s kind of overwhelming!

    And small world, I’m in NC too!

    I do agree with the male poster above in that it is harder for guys to strike the right tone when they’re making initial contact. It can be very intimidating and they probably don’t like rejection any more than we do. I think you did the right thing by pursuing it just a bit more to see if he opened up a bit better.

    On the other side of things, one guy has winked at me, emailed me twice, and IM’d me twice already (in 12 hours), and it’s kind of put me off. He’s doing all the ‘right’ things, with an articulate email, mentioning specific things about my profile, but the sheer volume of his communications (as well as the fact that he’s 15 years younger than I am) is totally putting me off.

    I guess we can’t win can we :)

    • delightfuleccentric

      Yeah, that much communication in that length of time is ridiculous, IMO. I would feel smothered, personally. I don’t know if you saw it, but I actually did a post about match etiquette last year, you might find that interesting: http://delightfuleccentric.wordpress.com/2010/03/07/match-com-etiquette/
      I’m going to be writing a follow up post to this one, about a FABULOUS communication – I hope you check that out! Should get to it today or tomorrow.
      Thanks for stopping in and commenting! Hope you come back to visit soon. :)

  6. Pingback: Now THIS is how you write a match.com email | DelightfulEccentric

  7. Pingback: The quality of men on OkCupid | DelightfulEccentric

  8. Wow! You sound so shrill and no fun. Just move on. Not everyone has to be your perfect match.

  9. Get over yourself.

    Sigh…that felt good. Finally got to tell one of you girls what I wanted to say in MY match email :P

  10. I met my girlfriend on match and things are going fantastic. But ironically, I can’t stand match and consider myself lucky. While I do agree with you that this guy’s email was lame and that he deserved to be junked, it’s still true that guys on match have to send hundreds of emails before getting a single response, and this is hugely annoying. Not only are all the actually-cute girls on match inundated with dozens of emails per day, but match doesn’t tell you if a profile you’re contacting is actually inactive, which increases your number of ignored emails. In fact, my now girlfriend’s profile WAS inactive when I emailed her. I never heard from her and completely forgot about her when she emailed me back out of the blue 3 weeks later, apologizing for the delayed response and having decided to activate her profile. (My thought on seeing her email: “I’m a male on match, babe. Trust me, your apology is accepted.”)

  11. Hi, just my two cents… (another male perspective)

    You say.. “I was impressed to see that you like [author].”

    This can come across as you being genuinely interested. However, it can also come across as arrogance – a guy can take this to mean that his function in the relationship is to impress you. It also does not help that this is your opening line. You may not have meant it this way. But I’ve had a few girls use that term with me as well… They say they’re “impressed” whenever I put effort into making her happy. I wish I could say I appreciate the comment, but it (sometimes) comes across as if it is my sole duty to impress her while she keeps a score card.

    You also said…
    “So tell me more about yourself.”

    After he told you a little more about himself, you proceeded to get upset about doing what you asked of him. I understand that you likely wanted him to talk about himself more AND ask you questions, and perhaps he should have, but your anger appears disproportionate to what is probably an honest mistake on his part.

    You then followed that with..
    “..trying to be mysterious, or do you have something to hide?”

    You followed this with a wink. Now maybe from your perspective, you appear like you’re flirting. However, this likely comes across as a backhanded insult. I don’t know about you, but when someone insinuates or blankly states that I have something to hide, I don’t take it as a compliment. You also make it sound like he’s “trying” to be mysterious, as if he isn’t really mysterious, and is just putting on an act. It’s possible you didn’t mean it this way. However, your question was likely going to put him on the defensive. In other words, if you put him on the defensive, he’s likely not going to open up to you.

    Also, you don’t practice what you preach. You want him to ask questions about you, but you didn’t really ask him anything of substance. Your only effort was to say “I want to know more about you.” But then you followed with what was more of an insult than a question.

    On a final note..
    As long as men are the ones doing the chasing, then we have to compensate by emailing literally dozens of women if we’re going to stand a chance at getting a date. But to tell the truth, once you’ve sent 40-50 emails asking girls to talk about themselves, only to have 99.9% of them ignore you, you just get tired, and want to see a girl put in some effort in getting to know the man.

  12. I’m skeptical and, NEW to online dating!! Why do guys who’ve emailed you first, turn around after you reply and, ask for your personal email address and, give you there’s, saying its better to bypass match & cheaper?? Govt.com says beware of a “scam or worse” from men who IMMEDIATELY ask for personal emails & outside of match.com contact.. It caused me to have second thoughts about them.,Is it dangerous to give your personal email info? Has anyone had this problem?